One Rule to Rule Them All!

What if I told you that the Law of Attraction/Abundance isn’t about money or personal wealth? Would you walk away - rejected and unfulfilled? Would you become angry and unforgiving? Would you turn your back on the Law of Attraction - the same as any other faith? When the truth of the LOA is discovered, many people do exactly the same thing.

In the beginning, when the immutable laws came into being, neither money nor personal wealth was a thing. They did not exist. People did not exist. By default, the LOA is not a get rich quick model. It was never intended to be one.

The LOA is only one of twelve immutable laws that are integrated, and only reach their peak effectiveness when working in tandem with each other. But, none of them work without the Law of Oneness – self-actualized.

The Law of Oneness will rule your life, whether you want it to or not. It is the proverbial one ring to rule them all! The question is which side of the rule are you leaning on? The side that ascribes to truth, light and love; or the one that ascribes to deception, darkness and hate. There is an equal and opposite to everything – in every belief; even atheism.

It can’t happen if you don’t believe in it. That’s a common statement, yet, happens it does. For the sake of conversation, we are going to refer to the Law of Oneness as God, because it is my frame of reference, however, the same tenants can be found in every belief system in the world.

I’m going to be brutally honest here, so hang on to your knickers! There is NO gray area when it comes to the Law of Oneness. It just is - as it is, as it has always been, and as it always will be, not man nor beast can change the Law.

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In Plain English:

God said, “Greater is he that is in you than he who is in the world.”

Oh, that’s a powerful one right there! It is the basis of the Law of Oneness! God does not live in some galaxy far, far away. He does not look down at you from some heavenly throne in the middle of the Milky Way, watching from a distance.

The Scientist, Carl Sagan, said: “…we are made of star stuff.”

The Law of Oneness is just this: We are the all of everything, in all of its magnificent glory and splendor. The entire universe is within us. God is in us. We are spiritual beings – the holy and unblemished spiritual children of God. Without His being, we are not anything, but clay dolls for a Holy Child.

God is immutable. It is our perception of God that is mutable, by our thoughts, intents, and actions, or lack thereof.

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The key to activating the Law of Attraction must begin with the Law of Oneness – fully self-actualized. There must be an internal immutable awareness of the Oneness of all that is, all that was, and all that ever will be.

The difference between believing and knowing:

It’s one thing to believe that God exists; however, it is quite another to know that God exists.

Believing is the first step: It is the acceptance of something as true. This is the mind aligning with the Law.

Knowing is the actualization of belief: The state of being aware. This is the mind/soul and spirit aligning with the Law.

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Gaining the Desired Results:

Now that we understand the difference between believing and knowing, we realize that simply believing something doesn’t make it so.

Just believing the LOA can attract abundance and personal wealth, in and of itself, will not produce the desired results.

The source of all things is the Oneness. If you have no knowing of belief, you have nothing except that which your perception allows.

Magick as the world has come to know it is futile and mutable. We can certainly create temporary reality, based on the other eleven immutable laws, but without the one rule to rule them all, everything under the sun is meaningless.

The Kaleidoscope ~ Join Us Today!

As women, we are the birthers of nations and the mothers of mankind. We are at the heart of every village, parish, hamlet, town, city and nation of the world.

We carry within ourselves the ability to change the course of life - our own and those with whom we live.

Butterflies are indigenous to every continent, come in many colors and sizes; all have achieved the metamorphosis from the caterpillar. Where they gather is called a Kaleidoscope!

The Kaleidoscope is where women, from far and near, are living in their love, their truth, and their light!

Although we are a closed Facebook group, we invite you to connect with us today!

The Rules:

• We are all on our own flight path. Be encouraging, uplifting, and supportive of one another. You never know what storms a butterfly has weathered.

• Be willing to stretch your wings.

• Be kind.

We hope to see you there!

Prairie on Fire ~ Coming Fall 2017

"There's a wild fire catching in the whip of the wind

That could start a conflagration

Like there has never been..."

~ Natalie Merchant, This House is on Fire

On the Fort Berthold Indian Reservation, Native American U. S. Army veteran, Devin Goes Along the Road, finds himself thrust into a prairie fire that threatens to rage outside the borders of North Dakota.  Without warning, armed men swarm the Four Bears Casino and Lodge, ordering everyone out, triggering Devin’s secret that he brought home with him from Afghanistan.

High atop the butte, Crow Flies High, on the opposite bank of the Missouri River, Blake Eldridge, a Homeland Security agent, keeps watch over the Four Bears Bridge and the deserted casino. Distracted by a small twin engine plane, flying low over the river, he doesn’t hear the men, who will change his life forever, sneaking up behind him. Held captive in a cabin in the middle of the vast emptiness of the prairie, Eldridge has to formulate his escape, before the men make good on their promise to behead him on live television.

At the Capitol Building in Bismarck, Governor Mark Danielson agrees to a meeting with the Tribal Council of the MHA Nation, regarding the closing of the casino in New Town. Tribal Chair, Ronald Yellow Feather, is whisked away to the hospital, while the throng of protestors that have gathered on the Capitol lawn ignites out of control and the Bismarck S.W.A.T. team moves in assisted by the North Dakota National Guard.

In a small diner on the main street of New Town, patrons watch in anticipation of the most horrific thing they have ever seen in their entire lives: the beheading of the Homeland Security agent. Devin, along with his fiancé and her mother, is among the patrons. Devin replays the event over and over in his mind. It wasn’t real. At least he doesn’t think it was. Leaving his fiancé and her mother at home, Devin follows his instinct to leave no man behind, and goes in search of the agent, that only he seems to know is still very much alive.

Lying helpless in a hospital bed in Bismarck, Ronald Yellow Feather makes a confession to his wife that will end their forty year marriage ~ for good. As far as she is concerned, her husband is a traitor, not only to their marriage, but the tribe, and all the Native American people of the world. Medicine Man, and Ronald’s life-long friend, John Big Bear, has the evidence in his hands that will throw Ronald not only out of his office as Tribal Chair, but out of the Tribe as well.

In the hunting shanty that had belonged to his grandparents, Devin and his best friend Paul, learn that America’s greatest fear has come to pass. The men, who had held Eldridge hostage, are not foreigners at all. They are Americans; men in the employ of a megalomaniac, who is sick, twisted and sadistic to the core. The man who is now hunting them.

Lake Metigoshe, North Central North Dakota on the Canadian Border, near the Peace Gardens: Governor Mark Danielson ponders the chaos that has set his state on fire. Danielson commandeers the Humvee of the Guardsman tasked with the protection of the Governor and his family, and heads southwest to the Minot Air Base, where he finds the answers to all his questions ~ answers that shock him to the very center of his being.

Alone in his hospital room, Ronald vows to redeem himself. There may be no redemption from his wife, Elizabeth, but he has to make it right for the Tribe. He confesses all he knows to General Ryder at the Minot Air Base, promising to testify in exchange for leniency. He may spend the rest of his life in a Federal prison, but at least the Tribe will have the hope of a future. His only regret is that it will be a future that won’t include him.

Letting Go - Becoming an Empty-Nester

We spend a minimum of eighteen years as parents, feathering our nests, taking care of the children, and running a hundred miles a minute, all to ensure that our children are well taken care of and their every need is met – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

As summer comes to a close, many parents are posting pictures of the iconic moment in their lives - the moment they become empty-nesters. The proud, smiling faces in the pictures hide the heart-wrenching actualization that this chapter of life is also coming to a close.

There is no sound in the world more surreal than the final closing of the door. We find ourselves in an empty house or apartment that seems so much bigger than it once was. The only sounds being those we make ourselves.

The vast emptiness of the home expands into the abstract of life. The questions start to form in the depths of the night.

•          What do I do now?
•          How will I fill my day?
•          What is important?
•          Do I still have a purpose?
•          What is my purpose?

Our lives don’t end when our children leave home. You would think we would know that as our parents survived our own departures. Yet, we struggle. It would be more concerning if a person didn’t struggle with the change.

The truth is that becoming an empty-nester requires that we allow ourselves the time to grieve the loss of our parenting role in their lives. Once they become adults, we have to let them live, grow, and master adulthood – without our interference. As much as the Mommy and Daddy in us wants to be there to hold the safety net, and smooth the rocky road for them, our children will experience failure, no matter how much we don’t want them to. We have to take on the role of the advisor or mentor, anything less is a disservice to their overall well-being and ability to handle life as it is.

Looking forward into all the possibilities can be energizing and exciting. The future is a canvas waiting to be painted, a story yet to be written, an experience yet to be had. The attitude in which we approach the future is the key to the unveiling of ourselves.

I have been an empty-nester for six years. It’s been an exhilarating time in my life.  At first, I wasn’t sure of my path or direction. I assure you, no matter what stage of empty-nesting you are in, that it will get easier with time. You will find an entirely new and different relationship with your child(ren). It will be the time when you find that your adult child is now one of your oldest, closest, and dearest friends.

Downscaling is a Necessity for Women 45-54

Change is an event in everyone’s life that happens by circumstance or choice; and sometimes both. For those of us living in the afternoon of our lives, we seem to have a heightened sensitivity to change. We are a bit more cautious in our decision making. We quickly sense when change is about to occur, whether we want it to or not.

However, in the first quarter of 2016, most women 45-54 did not expect to see this:

After a hopeful spike in full-time employment in the last two quarters of 2015, full-time employment of women (45-54 - excluding self-employed), began to plummet, plateau, and then dive again. As we see in the first two quarters of 2017, full-time employment for women in this age group is seeing an uptick, albeit a small one. (Source: U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics 8-5-17.)

Women are becoming more cautious in our choices as to what we will buy, what is important enough to spend money on, and why we are making purchases at all. This is significant to consumer based companies, because the single-woman rate in the 45-54 year old age bracket is still hovering around 50% (approx. 21.4 million).

Due to the fluctuations in the job market for women in this age group, our buying power has been significantly reduced.

In the 45-54 year old age bracket here are some things to consider:

1. Many are the mothers of children under 18, or college aged;
2. Many are driving cars that are 7-10 years old;
3. Many are opting for the apartment life vs. home ownership;
4. Many make approximately 90% of the home purchases; and
5. Many are notorious comparison shoppers.

We are hunkering down, shedding debt like so many pounds at the home gym, and pinching pennies wherever we are able. We are downscaling: buying store labels over premium, frequenting stores like Wal-Mart and K-Mart and even shopping on Amazon to get the best and most for our dollars.

Women who are 45-54 can see the writing on the wall. It’s clear as day to us, and instead of becoming fearful of what is to come in the future, we are preparing. The minimalist lifestyle isn’t all about less stress; it’s about survival in an uncertain future.

Midlife Crisis or Transition?

As a person grows older in years, things change within ourselves. It happens. It is going to happen. And, it will happen to everyone. Although women tend to get the most "press" about "the change", it happens to men too. Not everyone experiences the internal shift at the same age. If we did, we would be prepared for it; right?

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the highest rate of suicide occurs during middle-age; and particularly white men - who commit suicide 3.5 times more often than women. In 2015, middle-aged suicide rose to 19.6% (7 out of 10 of those were white men); while those 80 and over had the second highest rate at 19.4%. (U.S. statistics). 

If you are struggling, please contact the National Suicide Hotline at: 1-800-273-8255.

The shift itself is inevitable. We can have a midlife transition or a midlife crisis. How we approach it is up to each of us. However, we must keep in mind that aging, in and of itself, is a process. We started aging the day we were born, but throughout our youth, being old never really occurs to us as a reality ~ not even in our thirties and early forties.

There are approximately 20 million - read that again - 20 million people in the United States who are 45-64 years old. These are the Baby Boomers and the older Gen X. We are not alone in our process.

During middle-age, we start to question our beliefs and values. We come to the place in our lives where we see that the road ahead of us is getting shorter with each passing year. We start to behave in ways that are out of character; perhaps we decide to divorce our spouse, change jobs, or move to another community. We take on extra-martial affairs to prove that we are as good as we once were. Men tend to take on dangerous hobbies that tempt fate. Women engage in the fight to stop the aging process, behaving in more youthful manners or dressing like their younger counter-parts or resorting to cosmetic restoration.

Our physical bodies betray us. After years of work - trades or office - our bodies tend to wear down. Our parts don't move as easily as they once did. Our quick wit or problem resolution tends to slow. We react a bit slower than we used to. Some of us will be wearing glasses - bi-focals even, for the first time in our lives, because our eyes aren't as keen as they used to be. Perhaps we start buying books in large print if available.

No wonder people struggle. Our whole lives are thrown into upheaval. The shift affects every aspect of our lives: work, relationships, social, spiritual, physical, and emotional. 

The trick is to:

1.  Be aware that the shift is occurring; and

2.  Committing to positive aging;

You are Always Where You are Necessary

I remember sitting at my desk in my office on Roberts Street. With my back to the door, I stared out the window overlooking the parking lot for a long time that day. I was waiting. I knew it was coming, so I had no alternative other than to just wait.

As I sat staring at the overcast sky, my mind wandered back to the first day I stepped foot into the suite of offices. I had been so excited to start a new chapter in my life. After years of chasing the almighty dollar, I had entered the world of nonprofit. It had been a good chapter. I rifled through the pages of my mind, stopping now and again to re-read various scenes. Some were filled with joy and achievement, and others well...not so much. Yet overall, it really had been a good chapter.

She was coming in at some point during that day to meet with me. The hours seemed to drag on and on as I waited. I knew why she was coming. I had seen the budget, the same as her. There wasn't enough money left to justify my position.

I heard footsteps making their way down the hall toward my office. I wiped the tears from eyes and took a deep breath, exhaling all the stress and worry that had occupied my mind. I had taken vacation, knowing this day would come soon after. I spent my entire vacation preparing for it. I was ready. I turned in my seat to face the moment head on - fully present and aware. To my surprise, the footsteps in the hall hadn't been hers, but a long and trusted friend's, whom I had met in the years of my service to the nonprofit.

He was a tall man, with a commanding presence. His eyes were always bright and joyful, even in the darkest of times, accenting the broad smile that stretched from ear to ear. He had come from half-way around the world ~ sometimes I fancy just to make sure I was going to be okay. He lowered his large frame into the chair across from me, leaned on the desktop with his chin resting on his hands. "What's happening?" he asked, knowing by the look on my face that something was amiss.

His simple, yet compassionate, words unlocked the flood gates of months of worry and fear. The tears flowed like a river rushing to the ocean of despair. My heart gushed out all of the hurt and disappointment, as he gently took my hand and squeezed it. "No worries," he said, handing me a tissue from the box on the corner of my desk.

I dabbed away the moisture from my eyes and cheeks, and feigned a half-sincere smile. I told him it was over and I wouldn't be there anymore to help him or his community. I wouldn't be there to help anyone at all. I told him that I had given all I had to give and there just wasn't anymore.

"I know," he said softly, patting my hand in reassurance. "Times and people change. One day you are here, and one day you are somewhere else, but you are always where you are necessary." He was an Episcopalian pastor from South Sudan.

We talked for a while, and he prayed for me just before he had to leave. I watched as my long and trusted friend paused in the doorway. Before turning down the hall he smiled at me, that old and familiar smile of knowing that somehow always brought a sense of relief to my old and tired soul.

Not long after he had gone, I heard the true footsteps that carried the words of truth. My position would be eliminated by the end of the year. My heart sunk into the abyss of betrayal, but my friend's words stayed with me. I was going to be okay. I would always be where I was necessary.

Sooner than expected, I found a new position in another city [somewhere else]. I typed out my email of resignation to my boss. For as much as I had felt betrayed by her, somehow clicking send on that email was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I felt like the betrayer of the thousands of people that had come to our city to live and work. I felt like I should have fought harder, or conceded on things that did not agree with my soul, but I clicked send anyway.

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Sometimes we are where we are necessary, not to teach others, but to become the student. In my new position, I found myself in the depths of the meaning of the word betrayal. It had been a horrifying experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy. The steely knives that were thrust into my back and the backs of others burned deep into my soul, coming out on the other side in my spirit. The hurt was so deep, the will to live and keep trying bled out of me more and more each day.

One afternoon in the depths of winter, I sat alone, and a car pulled up in front of my house. I brushed the curtain aside to see who was there, and out stepped my long and trusted friend from half-way around the world. I bid him to come in and warm himself, and asked what he was doing in a city so far away from home.

He had heard rumors and stories, the kind that did not sit well in his soul. He had come to see if they were true. He found truth in what he had heard. I had become an empty shell, my spirit holding hands with death. He hugged me tight, so tight I could barely breathe. It was almost as though he was trying to share the abundance of love in his spirit, to rekindle the smoldering ember that sputtered and sparked at the bottom of my soul.

We talked late into the afternoon, until the sun began it's northern descent toward the horizon. He reiterated that we are always where we are necessary. Sometimes it is to teach and other times to learn. The irony of his words is I was working in higher education. I had definitely come there to learn. I learned when to say when. I learned to recognize when my own strength was no longer enough to hold me together. I learned to ask for help, and accept the help that was offered. I learned to face my own demons, and to conquer fear. It took five long years to learn all of these, and as I look back, I learned to accept that we are always where we are necessary; no matter the circumstances.

My friend has since returned to Africa as a Lutheran pastor, where he is necessary.  I wonder if one day his shadow won't once again come over the hill, and his commanding presence find itself in the midst of my life. Perhaps it will. Perhaps here he will be necessary once again.

What Next?

When we are born, we know everything that we need to know in the moment. The first thing that we know is that we have completed our first great transition, from the womb to the world. That in and of itself is no small matter, but regardless, here we are.

We grow into toddlers and on to teenagers and then into the years of adulthood.  Each being a transitional period in our lives. Yet, when we reach our middle years, or as Carl Jung described as The Afternoon of Our Lives. This is the time when we start to turn our thoughts inward.

• Is there a greater purpose for my life?
• Where has my passion gone?
• Did I miss out on something extraordinary in my life?
• How much time do I really have left, and will it be enough?
• Where does faith fit in my life, and what is it that I truly believe?

 

I was about forty years old when these questions started to raise themselves in my life. I didn't just wake up on the day of my fortieth birthday and decide to question the un-knowables of life. The process just seemed to sneak up on me, and I honestly thought that I was losing my mind. Everything I knew seemed to be turning upside down.

When my youngest child graduated high school, and I was faced with an empty-nest, I recognized that something had shifted in my world. There were no more hordes of teenage girls giggling and talking about boys and all the things their hearts longed for in the world. There were no more tears to be dried over skinned knees and broken hearts. There was nothing but the silence of the apartment and me.

 

My job had brought so much joy and satisfaction into my life. However, I found myself wondering if there was something more out there. Had I missed out on my big chance? I had always wanted to be an author, since the time I was a teenager. I loved to write, but as life happened the dream had been cast aside for diapers and bottles, school recitals and work. Eventually, my job became nothing more than a paycheck, and the spark of passion dwindled to a smoldering ember. I retired from nonprofit at 45 years old. I couldn't do it anymore. I felt as though I had nothing left to give.

Which led me to the age old question, of how much time do I have, and will it be enough? My heart has turned to my family and friends, and still I wonder - will I and have I been enough? Have I given them everything they will need to survive without me? Do they know how much I love them? The logical answer to all of these questions is "yes", but the questions are there. They might always be there. I think that it would be more concerning if they weren't.  I wonder if I will have enough time to do and see all the things I have put off until tomorrow. Are there enough years left in me to achieve the purpose for which I was born?

In the silence of the night, I wondered about faith. I found myself in a spiritual crisis that led to the realization that I was spiritually bankrupt, with nothing left to deposit. I found myself in the wilderness - lost and alone. It was a journey that has led me to a place of inner-peace and being centered that I cherish, and will cherish for all my days.

I invite you to walk this afternoon path with me. It is a journey of self-discovery, where in the end, we will arrive in the very place in which we all began, that moment when we completed our first great transition - focused solely on the moment. Being fully present and fulfilled.

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

It was hot in the kitchen both Thursday and Friday nights as my grandkids and I had scurried around, preparing holiday goodies for the festivities that were to take place on Saturday. As I stirred this and floured that, my granddaughter asked, “Grandma, how do you know how to do this?”

Her innocent question touched a sensitive place in my heart as my thoughts traveled down roads of long ago Christmases in my own grandmother’s kitchen. My granddaughter is eight years old, about the same age as I, when I wondered at the skills of my grandparents in their kitchen. It was a sight to behold, indeed. Every available surface of their kitchen, and even some in the living room, had been covered with delicacies from the world cultures that made up our family. Sandbakkelse were my favorite, though I never really learned to make those – not well anyway. Rosettes, divinity, fudge, lefse and things I can’t even remember their true names were strewn about, filling the whole house with the scents of an old fashioned bakery.

“I learned from my mom and my grandparents,” was my response. How could I put into words the years of family gatherings that had been such an important part of my life as a child? Aunts and uncles with their children in tow would gather at the home of my grandparents for every important holiday. Cousins and second cousins would play outside in the snow at Christmas time, sometimes with a few playful aunts and uncles. It was a simpler time in life, where families didn’t live states or even countries apart.

As we worked, it occurred to me that these are the times my grandchildren will remember with me. They won’t recall the gifts I had carefully chosen for each of them. They won’t remember the wrapping paper, ribbons or bows. They will remember slopping chocolate covered pretzels from the bowl to the wax paper. They will remember the time Grandma had been covered with flour from head to toe. They will remember the sounds of the laughter and the warmth of love that had filled Grandma’s kitchen, those cold winter nights before Christmas. They’ll remember driving past the ‘Second Street Angel’ in Fargo, when Grandma remarked in a breathless, whispered tone, “She’s absolutely gorgeous!” Whenever they hear God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, or I’ll Be Home for Christmas, their hearts will long for those days in the kitchen with Grandma; a simpler time when the world stopped for a moment in time to delight in the true meaning of Christmas – a time when we have love for one another and hope for the future.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Bullying is Everyone's Business

Last week, we discussed Gaslighting and how it is an entrenched part of school bullying. But, what can we realistically do about it? How do we stop it? The truth of the matter is bullying will be around as long as two human beings exist on the Earth. It will never go away entirely.

Let’s look at some things that we can do, individually and as groups, to stem the growth of bullying:

Live Authentically:  Be the person you want children to grow up to be. We have to live as examples of how people should treat each other. Behave the same way in private as you do in public. No one is perfect, but when effort is applied it can make a world of difference.

Actively Listen:  When a child/tween/teen is telling you they are being bullied, whether you are a parent or a trusted adult, actively listen to what they are saying. Many times, we listen only to respond. We need to turn off our phones, computers, or other distractions and take part in the conversation. We need to allow children the space to express their fears and their feelings.

Make Bullying Your Business:  We’ve all heard that domestic violence is everyone’s business. On the same token, so is bullying. Regardless of whether the victim is your child or just some random kid on the street, make it your business. If you see something, say something. When I say make it your business that does not include giving the bully a beat down. It means be the adult on the scene. When you take action, it allows the victim to internalize that they are not alone and people do care. Even if you only suspect a kid is being bullied, take the initiative to ask them; and then actively listen to what is being said. You could save a life, just by asking.

Put Bite in Your Policy:  How many times have we heard the policy statement, “Zero Tolerance”, only to find that it doesn’t really mean anything? How many kids have experienced bullying, and brought it to the attention of the school only to have the administration poo-poo it away, or claim their hands are tied and they can’t do anything? Or, worse yet, blame the victim? If we’re going to claim Zero Tolerance then it has to mean something. There has to be consequences for bullying that are applied continually and consistently across the board. No exceptions.

We Are Not Their Friends:  When we GenXers became parents, we made a huge mistake. You might think I’m speaking to the “helicopter parent” issue, but no. Our mistake was trying to be our kids’ friends instead of being their parents. We tossed our authority as parents out the window. If you are doing this now, stop it. Your kids have friends. They need you to be Mom or Dad, the people who are in charge. If everyone is behaving like juveniles, we have created nothing more than an environment akin to Lord of the Flies. It’s hard being a parent. Your kids are not always going to like you, but they will always love you.

There are those who kowtow to teaching kids how to be resilient, which although it is important, it is just as important to teach kids not be bullies in the first place. Yes, it is human nature to bully, but at the same time, there’s a fine line between bullying and criminal behavior.

Bullying has one objective: Abusing another to gain a sense of power and control. Today, we have an epidemic of violence and suicide, the direct result of bullying.

Unfortunately, we can’t stop it entirely, but together we can make a difference. We just have to want to.

If you are being bullied in school or online, please, please seek out a trusted adult in your life. Maybe a favorite teacher, or a coach, or a friend’s parent, or your own parents and tell them. Tell someone. Talk to someone. You are not alone in the world, and people do care. You matter in the world and you are loved.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Kids on Fire: How Gaslighting is Fueling Bullying

In 1940, and again in 1944, playwright Patrick Hamilton’s masterpiece Gas Light (1938) was adapted into a whirlwind film, first by British director, Thorold Dickinson (1940), and then in America by MGM (1944). The plot is filled with the psychological abuses propagated against Paul’s wife, Bella; and thus today, we have the psychological term gaslighting which means: the psychological abuse of another which causes them to doubt their own sanity.

Over the next couple of weeks, we’re going to talk about the growing phenomenon of gaslighting in all its nefarious forms. We’re going to start today with a subject that is dear to my heart: bullying in school.

One of the first recorded cases of school violence was in Bethel, Alaska in 1997, where sixteen year old Evan Ramsey entered the school with a loaded Mossberg 500 12 gauge shotgun. But, how did that happen? What led to the tragic day of February 19, 1997?

Evan was a frequent target of bullying. That’s what all the newspapers said, but what did that even mean? Kids can be mean; right? It should have been fine. He should have grown out of it. He should have been able to handle it and move on with his life.

The key phrase is “frequent target of bullying”. Prolonged exposure to abuse leads to toxic stress, and toxic stress leads to fight or flight – otherwise known as violence or suicide.

Gaslighting itself is mostly associated with domestic abuse. However, it applies to any relationship – including friends and schoolmates. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s something that grows so subtly it’s hard to pinpoint just when it began in any individual situation.

Signs (adapted from the National Domestic Abuse Hotline):

Withholding: The bully pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. For example: Holding the relationship hostage. This is a form of negative peer pressure. The bully baits the victim into believing they are their friend and wants them in their circle, but in reality is attempting to control the victim by forcing them to do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do; except for a deep-seated desire to be included. The bully feeds on the victim’s desire to be cool or included. The bully pretends they don’t understand, or refuses to listen to the victim’s rational thoughts behind not wanting to do the things the bully wants them to.

Countering: The bully questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. For example: Countering is blaming or scapegoating. When things get hot, the bully is one step ahead of the victim. The bully will twist the words of the victim in an attempt to make the victim (and others) believe it was the victim's fault. In the bully’s telling of the events, the bully becomes the victim.

Blocking/Diverting: The bully changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. For example: The victim questions the bully’s story of events, and the bully either changes the subject – nullifying the victim’s point of view, or engages in belittling the victim – most often in front of others. The bully oftentimes in blocking or diverting will tell the victim they are paranoid or imagining things. This is often related to the victim’s questioning of the relationship between the bully and themselves, when the victim realizes that something is wrong.

Trivializing: The bully makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. For example: When the victim questions the bully, the bully retaliates with name calling and shaming – again, usually in front of others. When trivializing starts, this is where it becomes dangerous for the victim in respect to toxic stress. They are already questioning what is happening, and second-guessing their thoughts and feelings.

Forgetting/Denial: The bully pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. For example: The bully promised to hang-out with the victim at a specified place and time, and then pretends to have forgotten, or denies ever making the promise.

In gaslighting, the narratives above are not isolated incidents. They go on every day, sometimes for months or years. The prolonged exposure to them causes the victim to become confused, anxious, isolated and depressed. At the point of no-return, the victim will lose all sense of what is really happening to them.

Contrary to adult victims of gaslighting, kids generally won’t reach out for help until the ambulance shows up – either at the school after an act of violence, or to take them to the hospital after a failed suicide attempt.

As parents, grandparents, teachers and other trusted adults in the world, it is our responsibility to understand what gaslighting is and how it plays a role in school bullying; to recognize the signs and then to do something constructive about it. Our kids are involved in a game of psychological warfare that they have no idea how high the stakes really are – until it’s too late.

Soldiers in Petticoats

Since days of old, women have had to grovel and beg for every bit of freedom that we in America enjoy today. I wonder as I look around the country if our young women have any idea of the pain and suffering it took for them to have the right to vote; for them to have a voice in the ways of the world.

From 1908 to 1917, women in both the United States and Britain suffered unconscionable brutality at the hands of those in power. It was an ugly, beautiful poetic time in history.  These women were known as suffragettes.

Suffrage Definition:

“A vote given in deciding a controverted question or electing a person for an office or trust.” ~ Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Lucy Burns and Alice Paul, the founders of the Silent Sentinels and National Women’s Party were key players in our right to vote, and they stand in the hallowed halls of history as Giants Among Women. They earned that title without reproach. While protesting their rights outside the gates of the White House (Woodrow Wilson), they were subsequently arrested on charges of:

Obstructing traffic

Inciting unlawful assemblage

It’s estimated 1,000 women were thrown into jails in America and Great Britain, from 1900 to the beginning of World War I (1917). While in the jails, old women were beaten and put into rat-infested cells. One was shackled with her arms above her head all night long. They demanded to be held as political prisoners. When their demands were not met, they staged hunger strikes, where Lucy Burns was force fed through a tube in her nose; many others were force fed raw eggs and milk. And still, they fought on with courage and perseverance.

In 1918, a federal judge overturned the convictions of the Silent Sentinels, ruling that their peaceful picketing outside the White House was political speech protected under the First Amendment.

One woman changed the course of history in America:

Phoebe Ensminger Burn, Miss Febb, as she was known to her family, was the mother of Representative Harry Burn of Tennessee. He was a young man of 24 years. The vote for ratification of the 19^th Amendment of the United States Constitution was in his hands. His mother, simply wrote him a note:

“Hurrah, and vote for suffrage! Don’t keep them in doubt. I notice some of the speeches against. They were bitter. I have been watching to see how you stood, but have not noticed anything yet. Be a good boy and help Mrs. Catt put the ‘rat’ in ratification.”

It is important that we understand that women once had the respect and admiration of men, especially sons to their mothers, and husbands to their wives. Many times in the course of American history, women whispered in the ears of their sons or husbands and changed everything:  Eleonore Roosevelt, Edith Bolling Galt Wilson, and Phoebe Ensminger Burn.  The power of women goes far beyond the picket line. It is held in the household, the places of worship, the home and even in politics. However, it takes a very strong woman to wield this type of power.

The election of 2016 in the United States is an important one. It doesn’t matter which side you take, however you must not let the Giants Among Women’s fight be in vain. We as the Women of America, the Birthers of a Nation, must stand up and cast our vote this election. To do anything less would be a travesty against humanity.

Finding Myself as Grandma

I never anticipated being a grandmother at 38 years old. It’s been nine years since my grandson was born, followed by his sister and my newest granddaughter, who’s one.

I don’t feel like a grandma. I’m footloose and fancy free these days. I can come and go as I please, without having to concern myself with finding a babysitter. I can be gone for days at a time if the whim hits me.

Although I am only 48 years old, all my children are adults, making their way in life - the same as children of other older grandparents. However, many of the people who are my age are still raising their kids, some of them with toddlers. I think to myself they have a long haul ahead of them, which brings me to the conundrum of being a young grandparent.

To put this into perspective, it’s like being in your twenties again, when people are falling in love and getting married, and suddenly you find yourself to be the last one to get married, and /or to have children. Your friends’ lives become filled with all the things that involve their little family – and not you.

With divorce rates hovering at 50% for the last decade, there are a lot of single-grandparents out there, both men and women. But, most of them are in their late 50s or early 60s. This societal shift is due to married couple’s staying together for the sake of the children, and divorcing when the last kid moves out. I suspect this trend will continue far into the future with a decline in the age of single-grandparents, because of the belief staying together only hurts the kids, and not helps them.

Instead of resolving myself to sensible shoes and dresses, I choose to redefine myself. I am the author of my life, and this but a new chapter in it. I delight in the moments when people seem shocked that indeed I am a grandma. “But, you don’t look old enough to be a grandma.” I concede that I don’t look the part.

I dress for my age, or what I feel comfortable in for my age. I never tried to be my daughters’ best friend. I never shopped in the same stores where they shopped, trying to fit a body that has birthed three children into clothes that are designed for, well, bodies that haven’t. I have middle-age wrinkles for which I refuse to indulge in Botox for the sake of clinging to youth, a ship that sailed twenty years ago.

It didn’t really occur to me until a couple of years ago that I am free to do whatever pleases me. Now, that in itself was a bombshell. I have never lived to please me. I was flustered by the very idea of it. I was asked, “What do you need,” and “What do you like?” I had no clue what the answers were to those questions.

My entire adult life has been about living for everyone else. I lived for my boyfriend and what he needed and liked. I lived for my daughters and what they needed and liked. I lived for my bosses and my friends, for what they needed and liked, and found that in the end, I had somehow become lost in the mix. In fact, I no longer existed at all. I was a shell of a person that only existed before the age of eighteen. I was a ghost haunting my own life.

I like canary yellow, burnt orange, sea foam green, coral and violet, because they are not black, gray or sad.

I like the smell of the ocean on a spring morning, and the sound of the waves as they tumble with playfulness on the shore, laughing their way back out to sea. I prefer the Atlantic in the morning as the sun casts a river of orange in the midst of the waters, creating new hope for a journey less troubled; and the Pacific at the close of day as the sun sinks into the water at twilight, beaming accomplishment at the river’s end.

I like the sound of thunder on a summer’s afternoon as it rumbles across the prairie. It shakes the very core of me, letting me know that I am alive. When the rain ceases to drench the earth all around, the sun never fails to break the clouds. Its rays wrap a blanket of warmth around me and I know all is well in the world.

I like the feel of the horse beneath me, while it bolts across the grasslands, carrying me far and away. The hooves collide with the earth beneath them, the dust exploding into the air. At the canyons edge there is all the world that lies below and all the heavens cast above.

I like the taste of Turkish coffee intermingled with the laughter of friends on a cold winter’s afternoon. It is rich, warm and robust; full of life.

I like the sound of the violin as it mourns the notes it casts into the world, the vibrations of all that was, is and ever will be; or, when it sings joyously the songs of the universe as they race to the stars and moon from the amphitheater that once was.

Today, I still enjoy these things. Sometimes, in spite of ourselves, we must reach back to the person we were, to find the person that we are. I enjoy the laughter of my grandchildren as they cling to me with arms wrapping me in love. I like to rock my infant granddaughter in the still of the evening, when she drifts off to sleep into a world of peace.

Today, I like who I am, recognizing that the only thing that I need is love.