Letting Go - Becoming an Empty-Nester

We spend a minimum of eighteen years as parents, feathering our nests, taking care of the children, and running a hundred miles a minute, all to ensure that our children are well taken care of and their every need is met – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

As summer comes to a close, many parents are posting pictures of the iconic moment in their lives - the moment they become empty-nesters. The proud, smiling faces in the pictures hide the heart-wrenching actualization that this chapter of life is also coming to a close.

There is no sound in the world more surreal than the final closing of the door. We find ourselves in an empty house or apartment that seems so much bigger than it once was. The only sounds being those we make ourselves.

The vast emptiness of the home expands into the abstract of life. The questions start to form in the depths of the night.

•          What do I do now?
•          How will I fill my day?
•          What is important?
•          Do I still have a purpose?
•          What is my purpose?

Our lives don’t end when our children leave home. You would think we would know that as our parents survived our own departures. Yet, we struggle. It would be more concerning if a person didn’t struggle with the change.

The truth is that becoming an empty-nester requires that we allow ourselves the time to grieve the loss of our parenting role in their lives. Once they become adults, we have to let them live, grow, and master adulthood – without our interference. As much as the Mommy and Daddy in us wants to be there to hold the safety net, and smooth the rocky road for them, our children will experience failure, no matter how much we don’t want them to. We have to take on the role of the advisor or mentor, anything less is a disservice to their overall well-being and ability to handle life as it is.

Looking forward into all the possibilities can be energizing and exciting. The future is a canvas waiting to be painted, a story yet to be written, an experience yet to be had. The attitude in which we approach the future is the key to the unveiling of ourselves.

I have been an empty-nester for six years. It’s been an exhilarating time in my life.  At first, I wasn’t sure of my path or direction. I assure you, no matter what stage of empty-nesting you are in, that it will get easier with time. You will find an entirely new and different relationship with your child(ren). It will be the time when you find that your adult child is now one of your oldest, closest, and dearest friends.

In Hope There is Love

“Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.”
–Laura Ingalls Wilder

Well, here we are again, as in olden days, happy golden days of yore. It’s Christmas time again, and I heartily wish a Merry Christmas to all.

Christmas is the time of year where underneath all the hustle and bustle of shopping and baking, and making preparations for family from far and near, there lives a certain feeling of something greater.

Oftentimes, we find ourselves drifting back to the days of our youth, longing for that certain something that most assuredly existed, way back then. As we contemplate the days of youth, we can’t quite put our finger on the one thing that made it all so special; that certain something that found a home in our hearts, and each year is rekindled into a glowing warmth that is reflected in the smiles on our faces and the lights that shine in our eyes.

Many times we find ourselves re-enacting the activities that took place once upon a time in a snowy world that now only exists in our hearts and minds. Perhaps it is a sleigh ride through the countryside with someone we love; or maybe it is building snow forts and engaging in the snowball fight to end all snowball fights; or participating in the family traditions that have been handed down generation to generation.

There’s an anticipation that comes with Christmas. I like to believe it is the anticipation of hope; hope for better days, for a better world, hope for peace on earth and good will toward men.

Our world doesn’t always reflect this anticipation. It is marred with wars that extend from the home to the nation states. It is marred with hunger, poverty, and injustice. It is unfair at times and sometimes bleak at best. Yet each December, that certain something stirs in our hearts. That certain something called hope.

As we move toward that most wondrous night of the year, the night Christ was born, let us keep hope in our hearts. Let us take a moment each day to kindle the spark of hope in our fellow human beings, and pass on the greatest gift that was given to us over 2,000 years ago. In hope there is love. This Christmas, let us love one another.

Men - You Need to Step Up Your Game

In light of the fact Father's Day in America is coming up on June 21st, I had to ask myself, "Where are the fathers in America? Now most people who read this post will shrug it off as a non-issue.  However, we see it all the time, young men who strut their swagger in the clubs, in the workplace, on the street, wherever they happen to be. Young men who violate every tenant of the meaning of Manhood.

It seems that some young men today have confused Manhood, with their manhood. If you don't know what that means, you probably aren't old enough to be reading this article.

We have created a society where the idea that children without fathers is OK. IT'S NOT OK! Children without fathers are more likely to live in poverty. 39.6% are considered poor, while 51.9% live in extreme poverty. Those who live in extreme poverty live on a family budget of approximately $200 a week. That $200 a week must cover everything from housing to daycare to food. Forget about clothing or extra-curricular activities or birthday parties, or anything beyond survival. (source:  thesinglemotherguide.com)

Responsible fatherhood must become a mainstream ideal of our society. Men, you have a duty and an obligation to the boys of the nation. YOU need to step up your game and start teaching responsible fatherhood to your sons, nephews, students, and boys in your community. Girls and women are only half of the equation. They are not solely responsible when a baby is created.

The father's absence in a boy's life causes them to feel ashamed of who they are. That void lives with them their entire lives - even if another man steps into the father's place. The voice in the back of their head says, "I'm inadequate. I'm not worthy. I'm unwanted. I'm unloved." Boys crave the love and approval of their father.

I've heard every excuse in the book: 

• She got pregnant on purpose to hold on to me. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

• I had to leave. That [insert explicative here] was crazy. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

• It was just a one-night stand. It didn't mean anything. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

• Hey, she came onto me. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

• I had to leave, we didn't love each other. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

 Note: You can switch the gender roles in these excuses and it's still true.

In a perfect world, none of the above would happen, but as it is, human beings are fallible creatures and we all make decisions that result in unintended consequences. Unfortunately, it is the children who are suffering. Not one of the situations above is a reason to abandon your child. This isn't about the woman, it's about the child.You don't have to live them to be a part of their lives.

Judge Lynn Toler of Divorce Court said it best in a case in which the video has gone viral on the internet. The virility of the video in itself says a lot about the current state of the definition of manhood. Watch it here:

Millions of Americans are in agreement with Judge Toler. Just because you can make children, does not make you a man.  You must be emotionally intelligent, financially secure, able to love and receive love, and most of all respect yourself and women. The children you create are depending on this. Step up your game and live manhood.

Blessed are the Children of the Bookworm

Reading was a big deal in our family when I was growing up. It wasn't just reading for the sake of completing book reports at school. It was reading for the simple idea of it. In every household of the family there were stacks of books, all of which had been read by one or more family members. The adult women of the family would share books back and forth, trading their favorite authors like commodities in the grain market. The value of each author would rise and fall with the collective opinion of the readers. The adult men would read their books in solitude and generally keep their opinions to themselves. My grandfather's favorite was Louis L'Amour and other western authors. Both of my uncles are avid readers as well. My cousins, both of my sisters, me, and even my brother read.

I remember my mother read to me and my next oldest sister every chance she had. It is one of my favorite childhood memories. My two favorite stories she had read to us were Stuart Little and The Velveteen Rabbit. My sister and I shared a room across the hall from our mother's room. After all of us kids were in bed, my mom would spend at least a half an hour reading, sometimes longer if the story was particularly good before she went to sleep at night.

Albert Einstein is quoted as "If you want your children to be intelligent read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales." Children need to be encouraged to read. Studies show that children who are read to while still in the formative years have an easier time in school, a larger vocabulary, critical thinking skills, and the ability to reason and imagine. Children who are read to and grow into independent readers also become better decision makers as they are not easily persuaded by the opinions of others.

I want to share with you today a few resources on children and reading:

The Pew Report: "Younger Americans' Reading and Library Habits" published in October 2012.

Dolly Parton's Imagination Library: Free books for young children and more. I signed up both of my grandchildren for this program, and they each received a free age appropriate book every month. 

The Global Fund for Children: Books for Kids project. The GFC project donates children's books to community-based literacy programs.

It is my hope in these days of visual entertainment, parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, and all who are involved in the lives of children will pass on the importance of reading the written word to the children of the world; the future of our world.

Merry Koda Christmas: Author, Roxane B. Salonen

What I love about Christmas:

“Waiting in Joyful Hope”

Roxane B. Salonen, Fargo, ND

What I love most about Christmas happens well before Dec. 25.

Let me explain. The other day I visited the online calendar of the parochial school my youngest sons attend, and was met with these words: “Waiting in Joyful Hope.”

Those four words exemplify what I love about Christmas.

When I was young, Christmas often was about accumulating as many presents as possible. My sister and I would have contests to see who had the most gifts under the tree. Who would be the victor?

But even as we played this little game, I have to believe we felt the shallowness of it all. I have reflected back on this empty endeavor many times through the years while contemplating what Christmas really means.

To be fair, back then I was caught up in the consumerism of the season like everyone else I knew. But over time, I’ve become more mindful of the most treasured gift for which we await this time each year.

What could be a better present than that of unconditional love; the kind of love we can only receive in full from the one who is God, the one who loved us into being?

Now in my post-greed days, my Christmas season tends to builds slowly leading up to Dec. 25 and reaching a crescendo at Christmas Eve Mass, when I am reminded, anew, of the most important gift of all. And because I’ve trained myself to peek behind the flashing lights to discover that deeper meaning, I hold on to Christmas as long as possible. After all, is there any reason to let go of hope? Do we really need to toss it out like yesterday’s Christmas tree on Dec. 26?

Even as we succumb to the exorbitant measures our culture pushes pre-Christmas in order to reach its financial goals, I really believe that underlying all of that, every human heart understands on some level that there’s something more.

The child who has become greedy through commercials and ads promising material things can fulfill understands at bottom that the pleasure of receiving a new toy is fleeting.

I don’t want to belittle the joy of wrapping a gift and giving it to a loved one or someone in need. But in the end, what we all long for the very most – each and every one of us – is what I mentioned at the start: unconditional love.

Christmas, to me, is the promise of that, both in the build-up and lead-in and follow-through. It was never meant to be one big event that ends in an anticlimactic thud. Rather, it is a waiting, in joyful hope, for something that is coming. The moment our hearts grasp this, they will have no choice but to leap for joy!

No matter the excess of glitz and glitter that sometimes falsely presents this hope, I believe every human heart can grasp the loveliness of the joy of hopeful expectation.

This is what keeps Christmas in our hearts after the snow melts. It is what keeps us living and loving into January and beyond.

God bless your Advent and Merry Christmas to All!

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Roxane Salonen has been my friend for several years. She is the author of  P is for Peace Garden, and First Salmon, both great children's books. In addition to her writing, Roxane is a wife and the mother of five beautiful children. She never ceases to amaze me in her courage and conviction in all that she does.  Thank you, Roxane, for sharing your thoughts on Christmas with us today!