Letting Go - Becoming an Empty-Nester

We spend a minimum of eighteen years as parents, feathering our nests, taking care of the children, and running a hundred miles a minute, all to ensure that our children are well taken care of and their every need is met – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

As summer comes to a close, many parents are posting pictures of the iconic moment in their lives - the moment they become empty-nesters. The proud, smiling faces in the pictures hide the heart-wrenching actualization that this chapter of life is also coming to a close.

There is no sound in the world more surreal than the final closing of the door. We find ourselves in an empty house or apartment that seems so much bigger than it once was. The only sounds being those we make ourselves.

The vast emptiness of the home expands into the abstract of life. The questions start to form in the depths of the night.

•          What do I do now?
•          How will I fill my day?
•          What is important?
•          Do I still have a purpose?
•          What is my purpose?

Our lives don’t end when our children leave home. You would think we would know that as our parents survived our own departures. Yet, we struggle. It would be more concerning if a person didn’t struggle with the change.

The truth is that becoming an empty-nester requires that we allow ourselves the time to grieve the loss of our parenting role in their lives. Once they become adults, we have to let them live, grow, and master adulthood – without our interference. As much as the Mommy and Daddy in us wants to be there to hold the safety net, and smooth the rocky road for them, our children will experience failure, no matter how much we don’t want them to. We have to take on the role of the advisor or mentor, anything less is a disservice to their overall well-being and ability to handle life as it is.

Looking forward into all the possibilities can be energizing and exciting. The future is a canvas waiting to be painted, a story yet to be written, an experience yet to be had. The attitude in which we approach the future is the key to the unveiling of ourselves.

I have been an empty-nester for six years. It’s been an exhilarating time in my life.  At first, I wasn’t sure of my path or direction. I assure you, no matter what stage of empty-nesting you are in, that it will get easier with time. You will find an entirely new and different relationship with your child(ren). It will be the time when you find that your adult child is now one of your oldest, closest, and dearest friends.

Men - You Need to Step Up Your Game

In light of the fact Father's Day in America is coming up on June 21st, I had to ask myself, "Where are the fathers in America? Now most people who read this post will shrug it off as a non-issue.  However, we see it all the time, young men who strut their swagger in the clubs, in the workplace, on the street, wherever they happen to be. Young men who violate every tenant of the meaning of Manhood.

It seems that some young men today have confused Manhood, with their manhood. If you don't know what that means, you probably aren't old enough to be reading this article.

We have created a society where the idea that children without fathers is OK. IT'S NOT OK! Children without fathers are more likely to live in poverty. 39.6% are considered poor, while 51.9% live in extreme poverty. Those who live in extreme poverty live on a family budget of approximately $200 a week. That $200 a week must cover everything from housing to daycare to food. Forget about clothing or extra-curricular activities or birthday parties, or anything beyond survival. (source:  thesinglemotherguide.com)

Responsible fatherhood must become a mainstream ideal of our society. Men, you have a duty and an obligation to the boys of the nation. YOU need to step up your game and start teaching responsible fatherhood to your sons, nephews, students, and boys in your community. Girls and women are only half of the equation. They are not solely responsible when a baby is created.

The father's absence in a boy's life causes them to feel ashamed of who they are. That void lives with them their entire lives - even if another man steps into the father's place. The voice in the back of their head says, "I'm inadequate. I'm not worthy. I'm unwanted. I'm unloved." Boys crave the love and approval of their father.

I've heard every excuse in the book: 

• She got pregnant on purpose to hold on to me. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

• I had to leave. That [insert explicative here] was crazy. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

• It was just a one-night stand. It didn't mean anything. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

• Hey, she came onto me. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

• I had to leave, we didn't love each other. - You knew what kind of woman she was when you got with her in the first place. Not an excuse.

 Note: You can switch the gender roles in these excuses and it's still true.

In a perfect world, none of the above would happen, but as it is, human beings are fallible creatures and we all make decisions that result in unintended consequences. Unfortunately, it is the children who are suffering. Not one of the situations above is a reason to abandon your child. This isn't about the woman, it's about the child.You don't have to live them to be a part of their lives.

Judge Lynn Toler of Divorce Court said it best in a case in which the video has gone viral on the internet. The virility of the video in itself says a lot about the current state of the definition of manhood. Watch it here:

Millions of Americans are in agreement with Judge Toler. Just because you can make children, does not make you a man.  You must be emotionally intelligent, financially secure, able to love and receive love, and most of all respect yourself and women. The children you create are depending on this. Step up your game and live manhood.